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Hey, Brad.

Of all the admins available, I think you can or will understand me the most. I am asking for a request, which may take a while to process (or whatever) because you are a terribly busy man. But I ask you this because I know you can carry this out--whether as an admin or a friend, I care not.

I want you to ban my account, JustAnotherYUILover, or let me withdraw it permanently. I wish to conclude my time on this forum by leaving and burning the tracks. As for my threads, I hope they can be available for all to see. I do not want to come back anymore or have the urge to. My time here has been difficult, but most stimulating. I have grown a great deal on this forum. YUI has changed my life and I no longer want to exemplify it; I would rather just carry it out now. Idolatry was never for me, but please take a moment and read this.

Before I discovered YUI (I was a Junior in high school), I was an aimless student. I excelled but did not choose excellence to be my duty or my passion. I was an idler who worked with what was available and never made anything personal for or in myself. I must admit that the grades I got were more or less just to fill a status as a student. Nothing was done in my own initiative. My ears heard not because I chose to hear, but because they were born open. Until I found YUI . . .

The first steps on the road to self-discovery took another person to initiate--YUI was my greatest impetus. It is a paradox that continues in my life (as so many others can probably attest), that an external person can will an agent at times when the agent himself is without conscious activity. (Such is the force of irrationality, emotions, and moods especially angst.) I walked side by side with YUI (figuratively) until I found out my aloneness in this world. I struggled to find certainty by doing what another human being had shown me--before I realized that a glove cannot be worn by stones.

I rather not go into the bigger details, so I will cut the story short. In the end, I let myself collapse in an existential vaccuum (I was without talent), until I realized that in doing so I may have reset the values manually. I do not know if I want to get ideological or technical here. That can be left aside.

But all in all, I am convinced that the only person who could have gotten to that me of that present time was YUI as she was at that present time. . . . That is why I can say with fact that I carried YUI throughout those days not as an object of convenience; no, I carried her as a necessity of life. Before things start to sound theistic, I will conclude the section with this: I know that the YUI now would have been superfluous or even irrelevant had I been back where I was--she has changed and so have I, that is no doubt. To bifurcate YUI into a new and an old model is not what I am trying to do. I separated those lines--they are not meant to be applicable to anyone else. This is not objectivity. But change should not be a sign of decadence; instead it should be seen as strength and power. To be able to say "old" and "new" is a test of immense difficulty, and there is no betrayal in saying those words: "old" and "new."

A few days ago, I wrote a message to Kikino!. In it I wrote, "I believe that [the creation of art] is the greatest form of appreciation [one can give anyone], to create where the desire was previously premature or dormant." That, YUI had given me (and so many others). I am proud to call myself a creator and the quote is a reflection of my personal goal: to expand diversity and prevent extinction in creative minds.

YUI was not a determining force all on her own, but she did influence me and provided the final struggle I needed in my past episode in order to lead a breakthrough. The flame could have combusted or the flame could have died out (two extremes). But I tried. I am grateful that YUI was able to awaken my perception at a time of inertia. Nothing else would have gotten to me to create the present me.
----

They say a rebirth requires a death.

I think this should have been written almost two years ago when I decided the same path of departure. But something had been missing. I had the textual knowledge rehearsed, but something was missing. I was still holding on to something. Think of chemistry and how an extra atom already changes an element's being. That ws me, the self-preserving element--instead of the self-enchancing element. I needed to drop something, but I did not know what it was, or perhaps the cargo had been inchoate, not yet formed. But I believe now it is here. It has become. I need to lift it off and become a changed person. However, this message ended up sounding a little theatrical still.

I continue to understand what Pirandello meant when he had one of his characters say, "And in my own case, passion itself, as usually happens, becomes a trifle theatrical when it is exalted." It poisons me to see the genius and clarity in this line; it relieves me at the same time.

So this is why I want to conclude this part of my story and be banned from this forum. I can't find the proper way to end this message. This has to do.

Here is your motivation (I am being honest):

Please do you job! I hate coming back to this place! I despise the urge to see something familiar when all I can find are things outlandish! It hurts too much. No more ties. No more return.

JustAnotherYUILover

Feb 8 2012, 09:00:30 PM

Thanks so much guys.

@PWRTSM: Haha, am I known only for arguing? Thanks for understanding. I really appreciate it. Good to see you again. No more arguing for me.
@trekkie: Nice to meet you! Thanks for the warm welcome. See you around.

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hmm..

you always have a way with words... i had to really read this 5 -6 times to truly understand it :)

but i doubt i really do... its pretty late at night :P

so heres what i think

I believe even if I take this away from you, I can never truly take it away from you.

even if i ban you and stop you from coming to this place. its whats within you that will bring you back here.

you know the thing thats within you that you claim to not have (or want) anymore, honestly not showing very well in your actions and the way you speak about YUI. :P

your desire to find that passion, the inspiration, that love again. Its something that can not be stopped.

you say that now compared to 2 years ago you are different and you have found the extra atom that allows you to truly become the element able to shut YUI away from your life. but if that was true were you wouldnt need to ask me cut you off.

I have seen people leave this place and never return.. without regret nor care. and they can only do this because they truly used up their desires for this place.

they have come to a point in their lives that YUI has become empty thrusters weighing down the space ship stopping them from further lift off (sorry for the lame analogy)

you cant force yourself to change.. or to not desire

I believe this is our animal instinct that when something becomes truly useless we automatically get rid of it. rather it be from our minds or our body.

to forget something is less painful then to lose something prematurely.

i dont want you to regret not having a place to come back to if i delete your account.

but if you truly want your account deleted. just give me the final okay.

JustAnotherYUILover

Mar 5 2012, 08:23:28 AM

@taka_chan: You've clearly improved a good deal with your music. I don't know what else to say. Maybe technically speaking, the vocal effects were at times a little too openly artificial, but hey, maybe that was your intention. I guess I can also add that it sounds very easy to listen to because the progression is very easy to follow and there are no surprises. I know nothing about composition, so maybe I'm just rambling. Clearly the above piece has YUI and other mainstream influence. It's just something I can imagine on a popular music radio station. Haha. But that has its own advantages too. Market segmentation happens everywhere. You do it when you follow a certain influence. It's about becoming conscious of how to do it then that you hone your ability. And now I'm talking about writing too.

My musical tastes have changed too much. For example, I was talking to my cousin about math rock recently. I had to warn him that it will sound very dissonant at first because we as listeners of popular music (you can't run away from it) have been trained to follow certain formulas and progressions and math rock just seems too different at first; and we continually and subconsciously use our frame of listening to songs we are exposed to to gauge a song that does not fit that frame (it's like if I were to use a Neo-liberal approach to understand Confucianism without occupying the Confucian box). This happens in movies too. Like so many things we have been trained by others to view. Movies for example already show us that we understand the logos behind why certain scenes and camera screens work and how we know to follow a implicit sequence. We know that a scene that starts off looking into an apartment window followed by a scene taking place in a room means that we're inside that apartment now. All this has been drilled into our brains by clever people. And we need to understand these rules if we plan to be creators ourselves. I hope you become a conscious musician and still enjoy your music.